Monday, June 30
WooHoo!!!! Thursday is Annis's Birthday party ad Brent and I are invited. Brent's Birthday is friday and I get to watch fireworks with him and his family. My big man's gonna be a 16 year old, and one of my best friends will be 14.
And in other extremely exciting news:
I got a Dead Journal!!! Some totally cool person from the Goth Board gave me a code, and it's great cos I don't have to pay. I can upload pics, a super big plus compared to Blogger. Blogger is still 10x easier though...I'll be putting a link up soon, right now it's so new, I'm embarassed to show it, lol.
Mom is busy arranging for after school care for Kyle for September. Auditions for "The Seige of Room 304" are on the 2nd day of scool, Sept. 3rd. Callbacks are on the 5th, and we find out if we made it on the 8th. we only have a month, opening night is Oct. 9th! I must must must be a part of this, even if it's only crew. I have to get the required reading list of 3 books from Annis, who is getting it from e-mailing Mr. O. Gah I can't wait for Drama to start back up, Seem, Neese, Carly, and I will be the big bad 9th graders (o:
K, I hate to post something so depressing following all the happy shizzle, but I thought the quiz and poem were uber-interesting.
Cutting. Your depression can be found lingering on
the edge of a razor. An easilly hidden little
habbit that's often used as a subsitution for
crying. The blood is surprisingly hypnotic...
How do you deal with your depression?
brought to you by Quizilla
Day one
It doesn’t hurt.
So I go deeper,
I scratch it faster.
The pain doesn’t hurt,
It acually feels good.
Its like something has taken over me,
So I don’t feel it.
It’s addicting
Like drugs, but much, much worse.
I start a new scratch,
And I make it better than the last.
The little voice in my head says to do this one better,
Says to make it more permenant.
But my brain knows it’s wrong,
And my arm is feeling slight pain.
The voice says do another, and another,
So I do it.
It doesn’t hurt,
So I start on my other arm.
My brain tells me to stop it,
But I somehow want this pain.
I want to feel hurt,
And I want to feel, wrong.
One day they’ll understand,
Because they’ll be forced to.
They’ll know why I did this,
And they’ll wish they could of stoped me.
And I start yet another line,
Just a simple, straight line.
It’s so addicting,
I can’t stop.
I don’t feel the pain,
For the pain is not yet near enough.
So I hurt myself again.
((copyright Astarii Telcontar))
Off to work on Dead Journal...
And in other extremely exciting news:
I got a Dead Journal!!! Some totally cool person from the Goth Board gave me a code, and it's great cos I don't have to pay. I can upload pics, a super big plus compared to Blogger. Blogger is still 10x easier though...I'll be putting a link up soon, right now it's so new, I'm embarassed to show it, lol.
Mom is busy arranging for after school care for Kyle for September. Auditions for "The Seige of Room 304" are on the 2nd day of scool, Sept. 3rd. Callbacks are on the 5th, and we find out if we made it on the 8th. we only have a month, opening night is Oct. 9th! I must must must be a part of this, even if it's only crew. I have to get the required reading list of 3 books from Annis, who is getting it from e-mailing Mr. O. Gah I can't wait for Drama to start back up, Seem, Neese, Carly, and I will be the big bad 9th graders (o:
K, I hate to post something so depressing following all the happy shizzle, but I thought the quiz and poem were uber-interesting.
Cutting. Your depression can be found lingering on
the edge of a razor. An easilly hidden little
habbit that's often used as a subsitution for
crying. The blood is surprisingly hypnotic...
How do you deal with your depression?
brought to you by Quizilla
Day one
It doesn’t hurt.
So I go deeper,
I scratch it faster.
The pain doesn’t hurt,
It acually feels good.
Its like something has taken over me,
So I don’t feel it.
It’s addicting
Like drugs, but much, much worse.
I start a new scratch,
And I make it better than the last.
The little voice in my head says to do this one better,
Says to make it more permenant.
But my brain knows it’s wrong,
And my arm is feeling slight pain.
The voice says do another, and another,
So I do it.
It doesn’t hurt,
So I start on my other arm.
My brain tells me to stop it,
But I somehow want this pain.
I want to feel hurt,
And I want to feel, wrong.
One day they’ll understand,
Because they’ll be forced to.
They’ll know why I did this,
And they’ll wish they could of stoped me.
And I start yet another line,
Just a simple, straight line.
It’s so addicting,
I can’t stop.
I don’t feel the pain,
For the pain is not yet near enough.
So I hurt myself again.
((copyright Astarii Telcontar))
Off to work on Dead Journal...
Friday, June 27
I'm so tired of feeling like shit. I just want to be happy and carefree, who wouldn't?
Went on a "family" outing to a lake, where we just sat and ate McDonald's, read magazines, stared off into space, or played electronic computer games. We might as well have stayed at home.
I might go bathing suit shopping tonight, Brent's taking a guy's night out with Chris and Jake. I still need to go to Hot Topic and returnsome pants, get a couple gifts.
K now I feel like I'm gonna hurl that grilled chicken ceasar salad. so off to bed with me and my depressed self.
Went on a "family" outing to a lake, where we just sat and ate McDonald's, read magazines, stared off into space, or played electronic computer games. We might as well have stayed at home.
I might go bathing suit shopping tonight, Brent's taking a guy's night out with Chris and Jake. I still need to go to Hot Topic and returnsome pants, get a couple gifts.
K now I feel like I'm gonna hurl that grilled chicken ceasar salad. so off to bed with me and my depressed self.
Thursday, June 26
I don't want to wake up in the morning anymore. I just want to sleep 24/7 so I don't have to face my family. I feel like shit.
I layed awake imagining dozens of razor blades slicing all over my body. Oddly, this brings a smile to my face. But hey, I don't feel bad enough to cut myself with razor blades IRL. :P
I might not have to go to waterpark today. yay?
Brent-Happy 3 month anniversary, I love you...
<(-.-<) <( -.- )> (>-.-)> <------hey let's all do a depressed dance...
(*_*)
why do I feel this way. summer's supposed to be a time for fun. a time for hanging out with friends. of waterfights and park picnics and eating messy watermelon and all that jazz. kids and teens alike are supposed to be happy, no school for 3 months, get to stay up late and sleep in. go to all the hip parties going on and not have to worry about homework or teachers or lessons.
I just don't see why I feel so glum about it all. It's probably because whereas before, with school, I only had to see my family a few hours a day at most. then on weekends I would escape away with friends or coop up with homework. But now I have to spend all day at home, going on computer or reading or whatever the hell it is I have to do to keep myself busy. I have to see my family all day. even though mom'll be working soon enough, I have to watch Kyle all day and hear endless calls lecturing me.
But then during the school year I go off and get all depressed cos of school work and mounting piles of homework and etc. etc. etc.
I'm so tired of it all. I can't seem to find some sort of balance. (v_v)
I layed awake imagining dozens of razor blades slicing all over my body. Oddly, this brings a smile to my face. But hey, I don't feel bad enough to cut myself with razor blades IRL. :P
I might not have to go to waterpark today. yay?
Brent-Happy 3 month anniversary, I love you...
<(-.-<) <( -.- )> (>-.-)> <------hey let's all do a depressed dance...
(*_*)
why do I feel this way. summer's supposed to be a time for fun. a time for hanging out with friends. of waterfights and park picnics and eating messy watermelon and all that jazz. kids and teens alike are supposed to be happy, no school for 3 months, get to stay up late and sleep in. go to all the hip parties going on and not have to worry about homework or teachers or lessons.
I just don't see why I feel so glum about it all. It's probably because whereas before, with school, I only had to see my family a few hours a day at most. then on weekends I would escape away with friends or coop up with homework. But now I have to spend all day at home, going on computer or reading or whatever the hell it is I have to do to keep myself busy. I have to see my family all day. even though mom'll be working soon enough, I have to watch Kyle all day and hear endless calls lecturing me.
But then during the school year I go off and get all depressed cos of school work and mounting piles of homework and etc. etc. etc.
I'm so tired of it all. I can't seem to find some sort of balance. (v_v)
Wednesday, June 25
K. Mom's gonna force me to volunteer for VCS. And to go to the waterpark with her and Kyle tomorrow. And to wake up by 11 and be in bed by 12. Power-hungry lady, she is.
Tuesday, June 24
K. I think I'm going nutters. or something.
No more effed up dreams about M.M., please oh please whoever puts them there. And um. I need some black lipstick. Cos M.M. is the definition of man pretty. f'real. Why are people always scared of him.
*God deliver me, people are stupid, God deliver me, people are stupid*
No more effed up dreams about M.M., please oh please whoever puts them there. And um. I need some black lipstick. Cos M.M. is the definition of man pretty. f'real. Why are people always scared of him.
*God deliver me, people are stupid, God deliver me, people are stupid*
God deliver me now. Pretty please?
Mom. angry. at. me.
I wanna crawl deeeep down into my dark little hole, at the farthest, most unreachable location on Earth, I'm not telling anyone where it is exactly. No one's gonna come and find me, I'll just be curled up in a ball and die away in my sleep. I'd never feel anything again.
:D
Mom. angry. at. me.
I wanna crawl deeeep down into my dark little hole, at the farthest, most unreachable location on Earth, I'm not telling anyone where it is exactly. No one's gonna come and find me, I'll just be curled up in a ball and die away in my sleep. I'd never feel anything again.
:D
Monday, June 23
This just in. I'm tired of being bothered by random strangers online. and also. of this blogger. that is all.
Today I'm gonna try and be happy. Mum says she's gonna take me to Hot Topic and Kohls, I need to get a new swimsuit, return a pair of pants, and get birthday presents. On page 378 of H.P. OotP. Mum might let me get my own copy Thursday. Gah I miss Brent so much.
My mom was yelling at me, even in my dreams. My brother was taking my stuff and messing with it, even in my dreams. I was singing and dancing in a musical on stage, even in my dreams.
This happiness thing isn't working, I still want to curl up in a ball and cry.
My mom was yelling at me, even in my dreams. My brother was taking my stuff and messing with it, even in my dreams. I was singing and dancing in a musical on stage, even in my dreams.
This happiness thing isn't working, I still want to curl up in a ball and cry.
Sunday, June 22
I still feel miserable. Yesterday, went to Brent's house, got to wake him up bright and early. We spent the whole day pretty much lounging around, watched the first hour or so of "Just Married", was pretty funny. We had planned on going to the park, but just didn't get around to it. His mom wanted to do family stuff around 6 or so, but they just dragged us to Taco Bell, Menard's, and the video store, then we all went back home. We relaxed in the hammock a bit, but I just couldn't help but be depressed. Why? How the fuck could I be depressed and sad when I'm around Brent, for no particular reason at all? I just don't know what was up. But it's not fair of me to put a damper on his perfectly good day by being sad and depressed, is it? It was just this overwhelming feeling that made me want to shut down and not do anything.
Had to go to church this morning to hand out boomarks with info. about the 4th of July parade. Grandma wants me to march in it with all the other happy bible thumpers that always think life is swell...yeah, right, sure, that'll be the day I march in a parade. There's also this 30th anniversary church celebration going on at the water park, that just might be a consideration. Mom was nagging about S+G hours, 26 Service and 43 growth. The fools didn't get my 12 hours of camp for last year, I should have 55!!! She and Grandma want me to go to serving thursdays this thurs., where I'd be helping out at this thrift store place. Fun? No. Must try and get out of it. I hate that all the people that go there are all..."preppies" and what not that live in the rich part of town, and I don't know any of them. So very uncomfortable.
Sometimes I feel like I have to be this perky little wind up doll that springs to life whenever needed. I'm just so tired of everything, I just wanna go crawl in a deep dark hole and not come out for a couple weeks or so. I'm tired of going out every weekend, yet I whine and complain and feel worthless if I don't do at least one social thing. How pathetic is that? very. I don't feel like I've really begun to enjoy summer.
Some good news: I get to be with Brent on his birthday. Mum was all "'it's the 4th, and we need to be together as a family, and blah blah blah...'", but she said after the parade and picnic I could go over to his house. Then we could watch fireworks or something. Woot.
Some more good news: It's our 3 month versary on Thursday. Who'da thought we coulda lasted this long? I like it...maybe we'll go to garage, or something. Or maybe the park. But this time, must bring bugspray.
Ok now. That be all for now...
Had to go to church this morning to hand out boomarks with info. about the 4th of July parade. Grandma wants me to march in it with all the other happy bible thumpers that always think life is swell...yeah, right, sure, that'll be the day I march in a parade. There's also this 30th anniversary church celebration going on at the water park, that just might be a consideration. Mom was nagging about S+G hours, 26 Service and 43 growth. The fools didn't get my 12 hours of camp for last year, I should have 55!!! She and Grandma want me to go to serving thursdays this thurs., where I'd be helping out at this thrift store place. Fun? No. Must try and get out of it. I hate that all the people that go there are all..."preppies" and what not that live in the rich part of town, and I don't know any of them. So very uncomfortable.
Sometimes I feel like I have to be this perky little wind up doll that springs to life whenever needed. I'm just so tired of everything, I just wanna go crawl in a deep dark hole and not come out for a couple weeks or so. I'm tired of going out every weekend, yet I whine and complain and feel worthless if I don't do at least one social thing. How pathetic is that? very. I don't feel like I've really begun to enjoy summer.
Some good news: I get to be with Brent on his birthday. Mum was all "'it's the 4th, and we need to be together as a family, and blah blah blah...'", but she said after the parade and picnic I could go over to his house. Then we could watch fireworks or something. Woot.
Some more good news: It's our 3 month versary on Thursday. Who'da thought we coulda lasted this long? I like it...maybe we'll go to garage, or something. Or maybe the park. But this time, must bring bugspray.
Ok now. That be all for now...
Friday, June 20
Gah. I.feel.miserable. Woke up at around 5 this morning with my throat so swollen and in pain, I could barely breath. Stayed awake for an hour or so, fell back asleep, only to wake up around 10:40 with my throat still hurting, only this time my neck and arms hurt. I don't feel like going out to see Finding Nemo tonight. I don't feel like doing anything the whole rest of the weekend. But I know it'll probably help me out of this crappy mood I'm in, right? right?!
Last night was fun, Brent and I went to the park for around 2 hours or so, walked back to garage, where they weren't charging anything, stayed there for around an hour or so till his mom picked us up. There was a huge fire on the way to my place we saw, a whole house engulfed in magnificent but tragic flaming beauty :P
Oswald is on right now...it's "Big banana day"...XD "It's so big, and roooound...It's so big, and so real, I feel you'll love it's apeeeeal..." I wish I had a dog that looked like a hot dog.
Uhm. I think I'll add more quizzes? and slice out my throat...cos it hurts...yup, that sounds about right for now.
Last night was fun, Brent and I went to the park for around 2 hours or so, walked back to garage, where they weren't charging anything, stayed there for around an hour or so till his mom picked us up. There was a huge fire on the way to my place we saw, a whole house engulfed in magnificent but tragic flaming beauty :P
Oswald is on right now...it's "Big banana day"...XD "It's so big, and roooound...It's so big, and so real, I feel you'll love it's apeeeeal..." I wish I had a dog that looked like a hot dog.
Uhm. I think I'll add more quizzes? and slice out my throat...cos it hurts...yup, that sounds about right for now.
Thursday, June 19
Wheee I'm so not used to being this happy/excited. It's nice. Not even that scratch on my arm can burst my bubble...:D Gonna hang out with Brent tonight, I should call Laura and ask if she's gonna be there...Gonna see Finding Nemo tomorrow, Annis says it's the cutest thing. Then allll day Saturday I get to hang out with Brent at his house. This weekend is so gonna rock.
Monday, June 16
Meh. Just had tuna sandwhich, and boy howdy was it good and filling.
Grandma wants to take me out for dinner and a show June 25th, I hafta find out what show I wanna go to, but I'd be happy just seeing a movie or something...bah she won't leave me alone about it.
I had a very detailed dream last night, was coo. We had moved into this gigantic house, my room was huge, had like 2 other rooms branching off from it that were all mine. There were so many cool rooms, and there musta been at least 5 computers throughout the whole house. We had really crappy furniture though, 70's style with patterns that made me wanna throw up. My mom was trying to cover up the furniture with baggy pirate t-shirts XD. I had my own computer allll to myself, and on it it had aim, but I was all sad cos Brent wasn't signed on...hmmm...bah I wish that dream house was real, it was so friggen cool.
Brent, you help me fall asleep at night...god I love that boy so much...
gar my parents bought the super sized mac n cheese the other day...how many times do i have to tell them...
um yup. that's all for now.
Grandma wants to take me out for dinner and a show June 25th, I hafta find out what show I wanna go to, but I'd be happy just seeing a movie or something...bah she won't leave me alone about it.
I had a very detailed dream last night, was coo. We had moved into this gigantic house, my room was huge, had like 2 other rooms branching off from it that were all mine. There were so many cool rooms, and there musta been at least 5 computers throughout the whole house. We had really crappy furniture though, 70's style with patterns that made me wanna throw up. My mom was trying to cover up the furniture with baggy pirate t-shirts XD. I had my own computer allll to myself, and on it it had aim, but I was all sad cos Brent wasn't signed on...hmmm...bah I wish that dream house was real, it was so friggen cool.
Brent, you help me fall asleep at night...god I love that boy so much...
gar my parents bought the super sized mac n cheese the other day...how many times do i have to tell them...
um yup. that's all for now.
Sunday, June 15
Went to Brent's house yesterday, got to wake him up when he was wearing nothing but sexy boxers ;). Saw Matrix (the first one) for the first time, it was really good, lotsa action and violence and stuff. Went to the park for over 5 hours...:-X. The Garage was a bah humbug hip hop night, but Laura and Kristen had roller bladed there so it was coo. Bah. Like a sheep. Sheep rock. as do late late night phone convos with the one you love [Brent]. Oh yea. and Arby's. Bloggers rock. mine doesn't though. neither does my self-pity for it. so. Bah.
Friday, June 13
Dad had some heart problems last night related to high cholesterol and smoking and stuff, went to urgent care, so of course I couldn't go to Brent's house. Oh well, got to stay up till 3 o clock or so, pretty fun. Katharine's sweet 16 party is today, I still have yet to get her a present. Seem was writing a suicide note last night, poor dear...Tomorrow I'm gonna go to Brent's house allll day, it should be fun ;). ugh, I hate sitting around all day just eating, wanna go out and run around, to lazy though. I've been using the calculator a lot lately, kinda nerdy...I keep trying to figure out how to make this stupid thing spiffier, but my beginner's HTML skills can only do so much, lol. More later when I figure out how to get the damn quiz results to show up...
Thursday, June 12
RED. You're Sassy! You know who you are, what you
want, and how to get it. If life gave you
lemons, what would you make? a multi-billion
dollar business of course - move the fuck over
bill gates! ;o]
If I were a crayon I would be.......... What's YOUR inner Crayola?
brought to you by Quizilla
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You have mastered the fine art of seduction without
being overly aggressive. You realize that being
seductive is more about sensuality than
sexuality and when you work your talents, you
put all the other girls to shame.
How Seductive Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
ack my soup is cooking.
whoop whoop. Dad said he'd take me to Brent's house today. and hmm...Summer is awful boring. I just have to sit on my bum all day and keep Kyle alive, but there's nothing to do besides that. I wish I had some q-tips right now. and Twinkies, but I'm to lazy to go and get some. la la la....wonder how I could make this thing cooler, seeing as it stinks like rotten fish.
Wednesday, June 11
Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?
Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons
hehe. Thanks to Seem for that quiz. Summer is here, whoop-dee-doo. Might get to see Brent tomorrow :D. Parents have been trying to get a house, if they get this one they saw I could have some pretty wild basement parties. Oh yes, and...um...yup......nothing much. Ta.
